


i don't need much (i just need a little room to breathe)

by splendidlyimperfect



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chronic Pain, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gray's been through a lot, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Natsu just loves him so much, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Assault, Permanent Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Reunions, Tumblr Prompt, also there's a puppy, which makes everything better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:55:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23661922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendidlyimperfect/pseuds/splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Natsu disappeared to look for his dad almost a year ago, and Gray's been through hell without his best friend. Now Natsu's back and wants to make things right, but Gray's not the same, and he doesn't know if he can let Natsu back in.
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster
Comments: 19
Kudos: 130





	1. reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Tumblr Prompt: Gray + Tears
> 
> Title from "Warrior" by Paradise Fears
> 
> **TW for past sexual assault and PTSD**

It’s two p.m. on a Saturday and Gray’s listening to the radio when panic hits him hard enough that he stops breathing.

The dish he’d been drying falls out of his hand and shatters on the floor, shards of ceramic spreading through the kitchen as he grips the countertop hard enough that his knuckles turn white. It’s that fucking song, the one he was listening to _then,_ when he should have been paying attention.

He fumbles for the radio blindly, trying to turn it off, but his hands are clammy, and he can’t find the buttons. He grabs it off the shelf instead and throws it into the living room. When it hits the floor the music stops, but it’s too late.

Gray’s already _there,_ with scraped knees and a bloody nose, throwing up into the lilac bushes along the side of the road. His leg hurts, hot and sharp, searing up into his hip. Gray grits his teeth, shaking his head and trying to focus on what’s real. 

It’s all lost in the echoes of remembered shouts, breaking glass, that goddamn song playing on repeat.

_It’s fine,_ he thinks, glancing out the window. _It’s not raining. It’s not Tuesday. I’m at home._

A sharp rapping startles Gray out of the memories and he jumps, looking up and letting out a shaky breath. Someone’s knocking at his door.

His hands tremble as he runs them over his face, wiping away the sweat that’s beaded across his forehead and over the back of his neck. He can’t feel his fingers, and when he forces his feet forward, he nearly falls onto the broken pieces of the plate.

Somehow, he makes it across the living room and leans against the door, peeking out the spyhole onto the front porch. When he sees a bright shock of pink hair, he blinks in surprise. It’s Natsu.

“Just a sec,” Gray manages, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to stop shaking. He presses his forehead to the door, taking another breath, and then another, until his heart isn’t pounding anymore, and he can inhale without his chest aching.

It’s fine. He’s fine. He’s not having a panic attack, and he’s definitely not going to break down in tears in front of the guy he’s had a crush on since sixth grade, and who he hasn’t seen in almost a year.

He brings his fingers down to the handle, hesitating for a second before swinging the door open.

Natsu is standing on his porch, irritatingly gorgeous in a black leather jacket and messy hair that’s pulled back in a short ponytail. The first words out of his mouth are, “Are you okay?”

“I’m…” Gray trails off, still trying to catch his breath.

“I heard a crash… I thought you, uh, fell or something?” 

Gray glances back into the living room and the broken radio, then turns back to Natsu and shakes his head. He’s about insist that he’s fine when he realizes that there’s a dog on the porch behind Natsu. She’s just a puppy – giant ears and paws that are way too big for her body – and she looks like she could be a German Shepherd. When she sees Gray looking at her, she darts out from behind Natsu, wriggling until she can put her paws up on Gray’s thighs.

“Hey, get down!” Natsu says, grabbing her collar and pulling her off Gray. “Sorry, she’s still learning.” The puppy looks up at Natsu and whines as one of her ears flops forward.

“Oh,” Gray says, still staring. “It’s—that’s fine.”

“You sure you’re okay, Snowflake?” Natsu asks again, tightening his grip on the puppy’s collar. The familiar nickname sinks into Gray’s skin and it suddenly feels like Natsu never left. “You look a little…”

“No, I’m…” Gray shakes his head. “You just surprised me, that’s all.” He looks back down at the puppy, who is practically vibrating while giving Gray the most pathetic look she can muster.

“This is Zelda,” Natsu says. He slowly lets go of her collar and she shuffles closer to Gray, whining and headbutting his hand. The fur behind her ears is soft and her nose is wet on his forearm, and Gray crouches down to pet her.

“Hey, pretty girl,” Gray murmurs, scratching both sides of her face as she noses at him eagerly, licking his cheeks and wagging not only her tail, but her entire body. Her excitement is enough to push away the rest of the fear, and Gray is left with a warm sensation in his chest.

Eventually he looks up at Natsu, who smiles and reaches down a hand to help him up. Gray stands slowly, wincing at the pain in his hip.

“You’re back, then?” Gray says quickly, before Natsu can ask any questions that he doesn’t want to answer.

Natsu’s fingers linger a second too long on Gray’s before he pulls his hand away. “Yeah,” Natsu says, looking down at Zelda. “For, uh—for good. I’m staying with Lucy right now, but she said you still lived here, so I thought…”

“Did you find your dad?” The question comes out blunter than Gray intended, and he grits his teeth in frustration. He’s missed Natsu so hard it ached for the past three hundred and forty-eight days, and now that he’s here, nothing seems to be coming out quite right.

Natsu shakes his head, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “Nah.” He’s trying to sound casual, but Gray can hear the hurt in his voice. “Found my brother, though. He’s a bit of a weirdo but we got on okay. We might keep in touch, I dunno.” He shrugs.

Zelda leans against Natsu and whines, then looks back to Gray, tail pounding on the deck. An uncertain silence fills the space between them, and Gray hesitates, then opens the door a bit wider and asks, “You wanna come in?”

* * *

Having Natsu in his house again is both reassuringly familiar, and deeply unsettling. Some of the panic from earlier creeps back under Gray’s skin, and it intensifies when Natsu sees the broken pieces of the radio in the middle of the living room floor.

“What happened?” Natsu asks as Zelda moves forward to sniff the wreckage.

“It, uh… fell.” Gray tries to move quicker than Natsu but his hip hurts and he’s not fast enough. He can feel Natsu’s gaze following his uneven gait, and the question hangs in the air between them. “I was in an accident,” Gray says quietly. “I broke my hip.” It’s not the whole truth, but it hurts less and it’s close enough.

“God, Gray, I’m sorry.” Natsu’s voice is so sincere and Gray clenches his jaw, trying to forget how badly he wanted to hear it _then._ “Are you o—”

“I’m fine,” Gray says, but when he gets to the mess, he can’t bend down to pick it up. The pain is too much, and he exhales sharply in frustration.

“I’ve got it,” Natsu says, and when his fingers touch Gray’s shoulder, Gray flinches. The tears that he’s been trying so hard to force down keep creeping back and are joined by an embarrassed heat in his cheeks.

“You don’t have to,” he insists, but Natsu shakes his head, crouching down and starting to pick up the pieces.

“Sit down,” Natsu says, gesturing at the couch as he scoops up the last of the broken plastic and pushes himself to his feet. “I’ve got this.”

“No, I—”

“Gray.” Natsu’s eyes are so, so green, and Gray missed him so fucking much. “You’re obviously in pain. Sit down.” Then he moves toward the kitchen to throw everything away and Gray hears him stop short when he sees the shattered plate.

Gray’s about to try to come up with an excuse, something to explain this all away that isn’t _I had a panic attack because I can’t fucking get over this,_ but Natsu interrupts his racing thoughts.

“Where’d you move your kettle to?”

The question is unexpected and Gray frowns before answering, “The corner cupboard.” He looks back at Natsu, who doesn’t turn around, just nods and tosses the pieces of the radio into the garbage. Then he crouches down and starts to pick up the broken plate, piece by piece.

Eventually the ache in Gray’s hip outweighs the embarrassment and he gives in, lowering himself carefully onto the couch and exhaling in relief. Zelda immediately hops up next to him, turning in a circle and then flopping down with her head on his thigh. He runs his fingers through her fur, trying to ignore the warring sensations of shame and relief in his chest.

Natsu moves around in the kitchen for a few minutes, opening cupboards and running water, and eventually he comes back into the living room with two mugs of tea. “You still take honey?”

Gray nods, taking the mug from him with hands that only tremble a bit. “Thanks,” he says, staring down at the tag from the tea bag. It’s peppermint.

“Do you need something?” Natsu’s voice is uncertain and Gray looks up at him, frowning. “For the pain,” Natsu clarifies, and now his cheeks are nearly as red as Gray’s. “I don’t mean—you just seem like…”

Gray’s tempted to say no. He can wait – Natsu won’t stay long, and once he’s gone Gray can manage on his own. But he’s still in the shallow end of memories and it hurts more than usual, so he nods.

“In the kitchen drawer.”

Natsu disappears and comes back with a prescription bottle and a glass of water, and Gray takes both without meeting his eyes, handing the mug back to Natsu. There’s a dip on the couch when Natsu sits down on the other side of Zelda, who wags her tail happily and licks Gray’s hand.

“Was it a car accident?” Natsu asks, handing the tea back to him as he sets the glass on the side table. Gray can feel Natsu looking at him, but he just cradles the mug in both hands and keeps his eyes on leaves that escaped from the tea bag and are floating on the surface of the water.

“No.”

“What happened?”

Gray shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you okay?” The question is so uncertain that Gray almost feels guilty, but he shakes the feeling off and shrugs in response. Zelda whines and nudges Gray’s arm until he shifts the mug to one hand and starts to pet her again.

“When did you get back?” Gray asks.

Natsu sighs and Gray knows he wants to keep asking questions, but instead he says, “Yesterday. I was gonna call you, but…”

_But I haven’t answered my phone in three months,_ Gray thinks. He’s seen every message – all the e-mails and texts and missed calls – but every time he tried to answer, he couldn’t figure out what to say. He barely answers anyone anymore, and most of them have stopped trying.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” Natsu reassures him quickly. “I didn’t know that something happened, I would have…” He trails off and Gray finally looks over at him. “I would have come home.”

The words hit Gray in the chest, hard enough to leave him stunned. Suddenly he can’t breathe, and his mind is filled with memories of sleepless hours spent staring at his phone, the words _please come home, I need you_ waiting to be sent and ending up deleted instead.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he tries to talk, and the words come out wet and shaky. “I didn’t—I just—”

“Gray.” Natsu shifts closer and reaches out to touch Gray’s shoulder, but Gray jerks away, hissing in pain when the tea spills over the edge of the cup and hits his skin.

“Don’t,” he manages, setting the mug down on the coffee table and wiping his hand on his sweater. He wants to stand up and walk away, wants to hide in the bedroom until Natsu just fucking leaves like he always does, but everything hurts and he can’t move. “Please don’t touch me,” he whispers.

He can’t look up because he knows that there are tears in Natsu’s eyes and he can’t handle that right now. He focuses on Zelda instead – on her head in his lap and her nose pressing insistently against his burned hand. She belongs to Natsu, and Natsu’s there, so maybe petting her is enough to feel like Natsu’s touching him and he’s still safe.

There’s no answer from Natsu, and when Gray feels him get up and walk away, he can’t stop the tears from falling harder. Natsu is leaving again because Gray isn’t enough to make him stay.

Then the footsteps return and Gray forces himself to look up when Natsu crouches down in front of him. “Here,” Natsu says gently, holding out an ice pack wrapped in a towel.

Gray takes it with a shaky hand and a whispered, “Thanks.”

Natsu doesn’t get up again, just settles down on the floor with his legs crossed and his gaze on Gray. It takes a few minutes for Gray’s heartbeat to come back to normal, and eventually he manages, “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Natsu says, and Gray can see him shaking his head out the corner of his eye. “No, _I’m_ sorry. I should’ve come home earlier, as soon as…” He sighs, rubbing his face. “I knew something was wrong when you stopped answering me, but… I thought maybe you were just mad at me for leaving. And I deserve that, I shouldn’t have left so suddenly, I wasn’t thinking about you and that was selfish and stupid and I’m sorry.”

Gray swallows hard, trying to stop the tears that are still spilling down his cheeks. He’s wanted to hear those words for so long. Zelda whines at him, shuffling even closer and resting her head on his chest.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about… whatever happened,” Natsu says quietly. “Or if you want me to leave, I—”

“No.” Gray shakes his head quickly as panic swells in his chest again. “No, please…”

“Okay,” Natsu reassures him, shuffling just close enough to get Gray to look at him. “I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.” His expression is somewhere between guilty and hopeful, and Gray desperately wants to kiss him.

Instead, he pets Zelda’s head, tracing his finger along the patterns of her fur. “I don’t want you to leave,” he says quietly. “But I don’t want to talk about it either.” Everybody’s been pushing him – Lyon and Cana at the hospital, Sting and Rogue when they come to visit, his parents in their messages in his voicemail. He can’t talk about it, though. There aren’t words for what was done to him – none that Gray can say out loud, anyway.

“Okay,” Natsu says, and the relief makes Gray feel a little bit lighter. “You wanna play Smash Bros?” Natsu tips his head toward the TV where the game system sits, untouched for months. “I can probably still kick your ass.”

“No way,” Gray says, wiping his face with his sleeve as he slowly pulls himself back together. “I’m gonna win and you know it.”

“Guess we’ll see,” Natsu says, leaning forward to grab a controller and passing it to Gray. When Gray takes it, he brushes his fingers against Natsu’s – a silent apology that Natsu seems to accept without hesitation.

The game starts up smoothly even though Gray hasn’t touched it since Natsu left, and soon Natsu’s laughing and Gray’s almost smiling, and Zelda joins in the excitement with energetic tail wagging and licking Gray’s hands.

The ache in Gray’s chest starts to dissipate into a contented warmth that he hasn’t felt in a long time, and he thinks that maybe, just for a while, he can pretend that Natsu never left, and nothing happened to him, and that things are normal again.


	2. trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu helps Gray find a new normal, and Gray tries to let him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****TW for panic attacks, nightmares/flashbacks, and talking about being sexually assaulted****

True to his word, Natsu doesn’t leave or push Gray to talk about what happened. Instead he’s just _there_ – present in a way he hasn’t been since they were in high school and spent every moment of free time together. He shows up with coffee and cinnamon buns in the mornings or drops by in the afternoons with Zelda in tow. She adores Gray, and he spends a significant amount of time cuddled up with her on the couch.

One afternoon Natsu brings a couple bags of potting soil and some flowers, and they spend the afternoon clearing out the junk in Gray’s back yard and planting a garden. Natsu does most of the work – Gray’s hip is getting better, but he’s still stiff and it hurts to crouch down that much. Instead he makes iced tea and sits on the porch steps, tossing a tennis ball for Zelda and listening to Natsu talk about his trip.

“You would have loved the markets in London,” Natsu says as he tucks the marigolds into the soil and carefully covers the roots. There’s dirt under his fingernails and on his cheeks, and he looks so bright and alive. “I, uh, actually got something for you there. I’ll bring it next time I come over.”

Two days later he presses a necklace into Gray’s hand – a thin silver chain with a tiny snowflake charm on it. “It’s a real snowflake,” Natsu explains as they sit together outside, enjoying the smell of cherry blossoms that float in from the neighbor’s yard. “Well, sort of. They catch them when they’re falling and press them into this like… resin or something.”

“Or something?” Gray asks with a raised eyebrow, staring down at the tiny, delicate design that’s just slightly imperfect.

“Look,” Natsu says, nudging Gray’s shoulder. “I’m not a… snowflake scientist.”

Gray laughs, pulling the chain over his head and feeling the cool weight of the charm sitting against his chest. “I don’t think that’s a thing,” he says. Zelda nudges him, insistent on being petted, and her fur is warm from basking in the summer sun.

“Well what would _you_ call it, then?” Natsu asks. He leans back on his hands, tipping his head up to look at the bright blue sky. His skin is tanned after so many afternoons outdoors, and a smattering of freckles runs across his nose and cheeks.

Gray shrugs. He can’t come up with anything right now because he’s too focused on Natsu, and the way their arms are just barely touching. Their hands are so close that it wouldn’t take much for Gray to slide their fingers together. He’s thought about before, but he’s never tried. It’s always been too much – touch means things that hurt and Gray’s afraid.

But right now, with cherry blossoms drifting down around them and Zelda warm against his leg, Gray finds the courage to try.

As soon as their fingers touch, Natsu stills, but he doesn’t pull away. Gray hears his quiet exhale and thinks about the time when they were fifteen and Natsu found a stray cat in the alley behind his house. It had hissed and spat at him, but Natsu hadn’t given up. He’d sat on the ground for nearly two hours and eventually the cat had slunk out from behind the dumpster and curled up on his lap.

Gray knows that he’s the cat. He’s scared and angry a lot of the time and jumps at loud noises. Sometimes, on bad days when the pain is too much, he snaps at Natsu and pushes him away. Natsu never retaliates, though. He’s patient and kind, and he lets Gray take only what he needs.

Gray slowly shifts closer and slips his hand under Natsu’s, nudging his fingers up until they’re holding hands. Natsu sighs happily, and when Zelda yawns and cuddles up closer to Gray’s other side, he feels warm and content.

Natsu is safe. Natsu won’t hurt him. He makes Gray feel less alone and even after everything, Gray can’t stop being in love with him.

* * *

A few weeks after he gets home, Natsu shows up at Gray’s place with two iced coffees and Zelda trailing behind him. When Gray opens the door and motions for them to come inside, Natsu shakes his head.

“Luce says Zelda’s been bouncing off the walls all day,” he says, handing Gray his coffee. “Come for a walk with us?”

Gray’s stomach twists and he stares at the condensation on the side of the plastic cup. He can tell that Natsu knows exactly what he’s asking by the gentle silence that hangs between them. Zelda, on the other hand, isn’t nearly as patient, and she barks at Gray while spinning in a circle.

“I…” Gray hesitates. He hasn’t gone out for a walk since _then,_ but this is different. They’re not at the university, and he won’t be alone. “I can’t go very far,” he says quietly.

“Can you make it to the park?” Natsu asks.

Gray tips his head side to side. “I think so,” he says eventually. His cheeks burn when he adds, “If we go slow.” The familiar anger flares up in his chest again – he shouldn’t have to go slow. It shouldn’t hurt, he shouldn’t be scared, it shouldn’t be a fucking chore to walk four blocks to the park.

They took so much from him, and he hates them for it.

“I don’t have any other plans today,” Natsu says, and Gray knows he means it.

It takes them almost an hour to get to the park, but Natsu doesn’t complain. Gray’s not used to walking with the cane – he manages around the house without it, and the only other place he really goes is physio. It takes a while to get into a rhythm, but Gray’s frustrations are tempered by the warmth of the sun and the bright blue sky.

“You doin’ okay?” Natsu asks when they finally settle down on a bench at the park. The tree above them shelters them from the heat, its branches dotted with pretty pink blossoms that match the tattoo around Natsu’s wrist.

Gray nods, shifting on the bench until he’s as comfortable as he can get. The movement presses his shoulder up against Natsu’s, and he doesn’t move away. Instead he focuses on little details – on the way Natsu smells like sunscreen and aftershave, and how warm his skin is against Gray’s.

Gray tips his head against Natsu’s, and when Natsu slowly, carefully moves his arm up and rests it on Gray’s shoulder, Gray lets himself relax into the tentative touch. He’s been letting Natsu touch him more often – or rather, he touches Natsu more often, because Natsu still won’t initiate. Part of Gray thinks he should maybe be offended, instead he’s just relieved. It’s easier on his own terms.

“I’m sorry again,” Natsu says quietly as he runs his thumb across Gray’s shoulder, touch feather light. “For leaving.”

“It’s okay,” Gray says, but he can feel Natsu shaking his head.

“I shouldn’t have...” He sighs. “It wasn’t fair. I wish I had...”

“Had what?”

Natsu doesn’t answer right away. Instead they both watch Zelda bound across the park to play with the other dogs, barking happily and chasing them in circles. Gray closes his eyes and breathes in the scent of mown grass, letting himself relax further against Natsu. Natsu’s breaths are soft and even, and when he rests his cheek on Gray’s head, Gray lets out a contented sigh.

“I wish I’d asked you to come with me,” Natsu says eventually.

Gray frowns but doesn’t move. “Why?”

Natsu presses his face into Gray’s hair and mumbles, “’cause I missed you.”

The words and the touch make Gray’s heart do something funny in his chest and doesn’t realize that his hand is on Natsu’s thigh until Natsu’s fingers brush his, tentatively, like a question. It’s the first time he’s asked.

_Yes,_ Gray thinks, taking Natsu’s hand.

“I missed you too,” he says softly, turning his palm up and focusing on the gentle feeling of Natsu’s fingers on his skin. His mind drifts through fragmented memories – pain, angry tears, the sunflowers growing outside the window of the hospital room, saying _I’m fine_ so many times he almost believed it. Throwing up at three in the morning from crying so hard. Staring at his phone and wanting to call so badly but not knowing what to say. “I didn’t…”

“It’s okay,” Natsu reassures him. “You don’t have to talk about it.” He slides his fingers between Gray’s and squeezes.

The words are simple but Gray clings to them, turning his head so he’s pressed up against Natsu in a half hug. He doesn’t want to talk about it – not about everything, anyway. He’s not sure he can ever do that. But Natsu stays, even when Gray won’t tell him what happened, and Gray loves him for it.

“I know,” he says, then closes his eyes and lets Natsu hold him under the summer sun.

* * *

“You look happy.”

Gray looks up from where he’s been stroking Zelda’s fur to see Sting looking at him with a raised eyebrow and a half smile. He quickly looks away, cheeks burning even though there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

“I…” He glances back through the screen door into the kitchen where Rogue and Natsu are making supper. Natsu’s got his hair pulled back in a ponytail to keep the sweaty strands from sticking to his neck – it’s August now, and the weather has been unbearably hot.

“I’m glad he came home,” Sting says. His voice is gentle, and a part of Gray feels irritated. Everyone is gentle with him, like he’s a fragile thing that they might break. He’s already broken, though, but he’s starting to feel like maybe that’s okay.

“Me too,” he says. Zelda huffs as if in agreement, shifting so her head is entirely in Gray’s lap. “I feel…” He hesitates. Sting is one of his best friends, but they haven’t talked much since _then,_ and that’s not Sting’s fault. He and Rogue tried their best and Gray pushed them away, and Gray’s grateful that they’re giving him a second chance. “I should have called him.”

“It’s okay,” Sting says. He takes a sip of his beer and leans back in the deck chair. “You went through—you’re going through a lot. Nobody blames you. We’re just here for you if you need us, okay?”

Gray is saved from having to answer by Rogue calling them to dinner, but when Sting helps him stand to get to the table, he squeezes his hand gratefully. It’s hard to say what he means, but Sting seems to understand.

Gray doesn’t talk much for the rest of the evening. The other three carry on conversation, telling stories and laughing at each other over their drinks. Natsu sits next to Gray and keeps him grounded with soft, barely-there touches, and Gray relaxes in the knowledge that he doesn’t have to participate. He can just be present, and that’s enough.

When Sting and Rogue finally leave, he doesn’t hug them, but he touches both their hands in a quiet thanks. Then it’s just him and Natsu and a clock that reads just past midnight.

“I should call a cab,” Natsu says, at the same time that Gray says, “Stay?” He’s still riding on the gentle high of being around people who love him, and he doesn’t want to be alone.

Natsu looks at him, eyebrow raised, and Gray nods before Natsu can ask if he’s sure. “Just—then you don’t have to take a cab,” he says quickly. “I have… you can… on the couch?”

There’s a part of him that wants to keep Natsu closer, to ask him to sleep next to him and hold him. They’ve fallen asleep on the couch a couple times watching Netflix but lying next to each other in the dark is the kind of intimate that Gray not sure he can handle yet.

“Yeah,” Natsu says, then adds, “Zelda might try to sleep in your bed, though.”

When Zelda hears her name her ears perk up, and she hops off the couch to trot over and sit at Gray’s feet. He reaches down and scratches behind her ears and she pants at him happily.

“I think she loves you more than she loves me,” Natsu jokes. “You’re her favorite person.”

_And you’re mine,_ Gray thinks.

Zelda does join him, hopping right up into his bed and curling up against his stomach. It’s warm and comfortable, and for the first time in a long time, Gray falls asleep feeling safe.

* * *

He wakes up screaming.

“Don’t!” he shouts, scrambling back from whatever’s pressed against him. “Please, I can’t—” His hands come up to his throat, pushing away ghosts of fingers that aren’t there. It’s so hard to breathe, and he can feel broken glass on his knees, but that’s not right because he’s in bed, and…

“Gray!”

He knows the voice. It’s not them, it’s not—but it hurts and he’s shivering even though his hair is wet with sweat. “Please,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around himself and shaking his head.

“Gray, it’s Natsu.” Something touches him but it’s not a hand, it’s a wet nose, and the sensation breaks through the memories. It’s Zelda. He can barely see her through the early sunrise spilling through the window, but when she licks the back of his hand, he slowly unclenches his fist and touches her fur.

“I…”

“Are you with us?” Natsu’s there too, sitting at the foot of the bed with his hand out but not quite touching Gray. “You know where you are?”

“H-home,” Gray manages. He’s so cold that his teeth are chattering, and he can’t stop shaking. “I’m—I had—you’re…” 

“You’re safe,” Natsu reassures him. “It was a dream, you’re okay.”

The tightness in Gray’s chest unwinds a tiny bit as Zelda nuzzles him, but it’s not enough. He reaches out and grabs Natsu’s hand, letting out a shaky breath at the solid warmth under his fingertips. Natsu is real.

“It’s okay,” Natsu says gently. “Do you want me to get you some water?”

“No,” Gray says quickly. “Please don’t—don’t go.” 

“Okay,” Natsu reassures him. “I’m here.”

The terror floods out of Gray’s body at the quiet words and it’s quickly replaced by exhaustion. When he sinks back against the pillows, he tugs on Natsu’s hand until they’re curled up facing each other with Zelda between them. Gray can’t stop shaking and it takes him a second to realize he’s crying.

“You’re safe,” Natsu says again, voice soft and reassuring. “What can I do?”

“I don’t—” Gray can barely get the words out; he’s trembling so badly. His chest hurts and he feels so alone in the memories – lost and terrified. He’s been pushing all of it away for so long and now it’s overwhelming, crawling across his skin and making everything hurt. “I need…”

“Anything,” Natsu murmurs, shifting a tiny bit closer.

_Anything._ Maybe if Natsu takes some of it, if he _knows_ , then Gray won’t feel so alone.

“They… it…” Natsu runs his thumb over Gray’s knuckles, bringing him back to himself with the gentle touch. “I was… running.” He can do this if it’s piece by piece, in the dark, where he doesn’t have to see Natsu’s face. “Not—the dream, but _then,_ too. I had my headphones in. I didn’t hear anything, just—and then…”

Gray squeezes his eyes shut, pressing his face into the pillow to keep the angry sobs inside, but it doesn’t work. He can’t hold this by himself anymore. 

“There were two of them.” Keep going. One sentence at a time. “I thought they wanted my wallet. I tried to give it to them, but they laughed. Hit my face. There was concrete. Broken glass.”

Natsu’s hand tightens around Gray’s but he still doesn’t say anything. Zelda’s pressed up against Gray’s chest now, head tucked beneath his chin, fur soaking up the tears he can’t stop.

“He pulled my hair. Pushed me. On my knees, scraped them. He made me…” Gray shudders. He can still taste the sweat and blood from his split lip and he feels like throwing up. “It hurt. Didn’t want it. And the other, he, he—my leg, kicked it and I could feel the b-bone—I couldn’t breathe.

“They… they r—” The words are awful, and he can’t say them, but he knows that Natsu understands. “Both of them. I couldn’t—it hurt, I’ve never—I can’t remember. I thought I was gonna die.”

And then he’s crying so hard he can’t breathe, chest tight as tears stream down his cheeks. “Please,” he manages through the tears, and he has no idea what he’s asking for.

“Oh, Gray,” Natsu says, hand tightening around Gray’s as his voice breaks. “I’m so sorry, I can’t… fuck, I’m sorry.” Zelda wriggles up and starts to lick Gray’s cheeks.

“I—I c-can’t…” A sob rips from him, ragged and anguished, filled with terror. His hip aches and he digs his fingers into the skin as if he could tear out the pain and give it away.

“Gray,” Natsu says gently, running his fingers across Gray’s knuckles. “Can I touch you? Is that okay?”

The part of Gray that’s still living in the memories screams at him – _no, don’t let him, it’s not safe, it’ll hurt, I’m going to die, I want to die, please let me die._ But he’s cold and scared and he just wants to feel safe, so he nods through the tears.

“C’mere,” Natsu murmurs, nudging Zelda out of the way and reaching up to brush Gray’s sweaty hair out of his face. The touch is so careful, as if he’s terrified that Gray will break, and Gray trembles under it. “I’ve got you,” Natsu promises, and when Gray shifts closer, he wraps an arm around him.

“I h-hate, I can’t—it’s, they, they…” Gray’s words are broken, fragmented pieces of pain as he presses his forehead to Natsu’s chest and cries. “It _hurt,_ and now, always, all the time and I can’t—I don’t…”

“I’m so sorry,” Natsu whispers. He tucks Gray’s head under his chin and holds him close as Gray cries harder – noisy, gasping sobs that pull the grief out of him like a living thing. “I’ve got you,” Natsu says, and Gray can hear the tears in his voice too. “You’re safe, now, I promise. I’m here.”

Gray hears the words, but they’re filtered through fragments of memory. Everything is sharp and terrifying – shards of glass, the smell of lilacs, blood in his mouth, pain in his hip. He’s there and he’s here and it’s too much, and he can’t fucking breathe, and—

A quiet whine breaks through his memories and then there’s a gentle nudge against his hand. Zelda is behind him now and has her head resting on his thigh, coaxing his fingers away from where they’re digging into the skin around his scar. She licks his hand and he slowly removes it from his leg, bringing it up to her fur instead and clutching at her desperately.

“I’m so sorry,” Natsu says, and when he presses his lips to Gray’s head in a soft kiss, Gray falls apart entirely. He can break down here because Natsu loves him, even when he’s in pieces. “I’m here,” Natsu says as he shares Gray’s pain. “And I’m not going to leave you again.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it always gets worse before it gets better <3


	3. healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray lets Natsu help him heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of the assault

Gray wakes up exhausted and alone.

For a second, he thinks he’s back in the hospital. His hip aches and the skin around his eyes is tight, and he has to rub his face a few times before he blinks fully awake and realizes he’s in his own bed. Natsu is nowhere to be seen, but before Gray can panic there’s a quiet _woof_ behind him. Zelda nuzzles his cheek as he rolls onto his back, then licks him as her tail starts to pound against the blanket.

“Hey, girl,” Gray says, voice rough. He scratches behind her ears and she pants happily, resting her head on him. The anxiety in Gray’s chest slowly starts to dissolve as he focuses on her comfortable warmth and the softness of her fur under his fingertips.

The two of them lay there for a long time, letting the sunbeam across the bed warm them until Gray nearly falls back asleep. Natsu must have opened the window at some point during the night, and now the bedroom smells like rain and cherry blossoms. It’s soothing and helps to calm the ache of shame and sadness that’s coiled in Gray’s stomach.

Eventually there’s a soft knock against the doorframe and Gray looks up to see Natsu there, hair messy and dressed in a pair of Gray’s sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. He’s holding two mugs of coffee and he smiles when he sees Gray and Zelda cuddling.

“Hey,” Natsu says quietly. Zelda immediately perks up and begins to wag her tail again, entire body vibrating with excitement. Part of Gray’s heart follows her lead, whispering to him, _he’s here, he stayed, he’ll keep you safe._

The other half of him sinks deeper into humiliation and he curls away from Natsu, pressing his burning face into Zelda’s fur. He’s already on the edge of tears and he’s so fucking sick of crying.

The bed dips behind him and Gray hears Natsu set the coffee mugs down on the side table. “Gray,” Natsu says softly, but Gray just shakes his head. It’s too much. “C’mon,” Natsu tries again. “I made breakfast. And I promise I didn’t burn anything – well, maybe a little, but I didn’t set off the fire alarm this time.”

Gray wants to laugh but he knows that if he makes a sound, it’ll turn into a sob. Everything’s different now – he’s exposed and raw, and no matter how tightly he curls up, he feels like Natsu can see right through him. He’s not sure if that’s a bad thing, or if it makes him feel better.

Natsu sighs, and Gray feels him shift again on the bed. He expects Natsu to leave, but instead there’s just a shuffle behind him as Natsu lays down as well. He doesn’t touch Gray, just stays near – close enough for Gray to reach out for him if he needs it. Gray runs his fingers through Zelda’s fur, letting the tension in his body slowly dissolve as he listens to Natsu’s soft, even breaths.

“Do you want me to leave you alone for a bit?” Natsu asks after a few minutes. “I can leave Zelda here with you if that helps.”

Gray quickly shakes his head. “No, please, I...”

“It’s okay,” Natsu reassures him. Gray finally uncurls from his position and rolls over slowly until he’s facing Natsu, hoping he doesn’t look as shitty as he feels.

“’m sorry,” he mumbles, rubbing his face.

“For what?” Natsu shifts a tiny bit closer and reaches out his hand, resting it between them on the bed. Gray stares at it for a second – Natsu’s fingertips are callused and his cuticles are bitten, and there’s a thin white scar across his thumb from shop class in grade eleven.

Gray touches Natsu’s hand carefully, drawing his fingertips across Natsu’s palm and then sliding their fingers together. “For not calling you,” he says. “I wanted to, I just... I didn’t know how—it was so much, and I didn’t know what to say, like, ’Hey, I know you’re busy, but a shitty thing happened, can you come home?’”

“I would have,” Natsu says. His voice is soft, but the words are strong and certain. A lump immediately makes its way into Gray’s throat and he swallows hard, trying to push it away. “Hey.” Natsu squeezes Gray’s hand gently. “I’m the one who should apologize. I wasn’t here for you when you needed me, and—”

His voice wavers and Gray looks up, surprised to see tears in Natsu’s eyes. His chest aches with guilt but before he can apologize, Natsu shakes his head.

“No, don’t you dare say you’re sorry,” he says. “This isn’t your fault. None of it. I should have got on a plane home the minute I thought something was wrong.” He squeezes Gray’s hand and exhales shakily. “I missed you so much. I thought about you all the fucking time and I should have just—I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Gray reaches out with his other hand, hesitating for a second before brushing a strand of hair out of Natsu’s face. “I missed you too,” he says softly. “I was…” He sighs, tucking the hair behind Natsu’s ear and shuffling a little closer. “I suck at asking for help, you know that.”

Natsu makes a sound that’s almost a laugh and nods against Gray’s hand. “You do.” Then he turns his head and kisses Gray’s palm – just barely, a light brush of his lips against Gray’s skin.

Gray stills as something in his stomach twists and heat rushes to his cheeks. Part of him wants to push Natsu away, and he’s not sure if it’s because he doesn’t want the affection, or he’s afraid of how much he needs it.

“Sorry,” Natsu says quickly, but when he tries to move back, Gray shakes his head and shifts a tiny bit closer. It’s like they’re both magnets and he can’t tell which way is right; if he wants Natsu to pull him closer or push him away.

“It’s…” Gray swallows, moving his hand away from Natsu’s face and staring at it. It’s been months and the wounds are healed, but sometimes he can still feel where the skin on his palms had been scraped away from the pavement and broken glass.

Natsu shifts uncertainly and Gray forces himself to make eye contact. There’s something unfamiliar in Natsu’s eyes. “I didn’t mean…” Natsu swallows, dropping his gaze to their still-joined hands. “I feel…”

Something claws at the inside of Gray’s chest; something sharp and maybe hopeful, and before he can stop himself, he blurts out, “I love you.”

Natsu looks back up at Gray. He’s always been easy to read – he feels everything so openly, in the soft curve of his lips and the way the skin crinkles beside his eyes. Gray’s never seen this expression on his face before, though.

_I love you._ The words feel like they’re echoing between them, getting quieter and quieter until Natsu shifts a tiny bit closer and whispers, “I love you, too.”

It breaks something in Gray; shatters the barriers he’s tried to build up around his heart for so long, and then the words are pouring out of them like they did last night.

“I was so scared.” His voice is quiet and shaky and thick with tears. “I wanted to—but I didn’t know how. I kept trying, I wrote so many messages and then I just couldn’t send them.” He can’t stop himself now, and when Natsu lifts his arm, Gray curls up next to him, resting his head on Natsu’s chest. “It was awful. I don’t remember all of it.”

Natsu seems like he’s going to say something, but instead he presses a kiss to the top of Gray’s head and starts to slowly comb his fingers through Gray’s hair.

“In the hospital, I…” Gray exhales, pressing his face against Natsu’s chest. There’s a quiet whine as Zelda moves closer to him, turning in a circle on the bed before flopping down with her back pressed to his. “I didn’t want anyone to touch me. It always felt… I felt dirty and sick, but I… I wanted you. And it felt wrong, like I shouldn’t—‘cause I was broken, and I didn’t deserve…” He exhales sharply in frustration. “I know it doesn’t make any sense.”

“That’s okay,” Natsu says, holding Gray tighter. “And you’re not broken.”

“It feels like I am,” Gray whispers. “And I can’t just… I can’t forget. I want to but then my hip hurts and it all comes back, and I hate it. So much. And it feels like it’ll never go away.”

Natsu keeps brushing Gray’s hair, slow and gentle, and Gray braces himself for the words he’s heard a thousand times. _It wasn’t your fault. You’ll be okay. It takes time. It’ll get better._

“What do you need?” Natsu asks instead.

Gray lets out the breath he’s been holding, letting the question sink into his skin. “I don’t know,” he says after a second. “This, um… this helps.” He gestures between them and Natsu nods.

“Okay.”

Zelda tips her head back against Gray and licks his cheek, and he laughs, reaching back to scratch behind her ears. “You help, too,” he says. She makes a pleased sound and flops back with her head on the pillow. They’re all quiet for a minute, and then Gray adds, “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me too,” Natsu says. Then he pulls back a little until they’re looking at each other and says, “I meant what I said.”

Gray can feel heat creeping into his cheeks when he asks, “About what?”

“Loving you,” Natsu says without hesitation. His face is soft and open, and there’s no trace of uncertainty in the way he looks at Gray. “I dunno what you want that to mean right now, but…” He runs his thumb across Gray’s cheek. “I’m not asking for anything from you, and I never will, if you don’t want me to.”

Gray swallows, unable to look away. Natsu’s eyes are bright, and Gray desperately wants to kiss him, but he’s terrified.

“I do,” he says. “Want you to—want it to be...” He exhales in frustration and leans into the gentle touch of Natsu’s hand on his cheek. “I wanted it. You. Before all... this... happened.”

Guilt draws Natsu’s brows together and he pulls Gray forward, pressing their foreheads together. “Me too,” he says softly. “I’m sorry I was too stupid to say something.”

“We’re both stupid,” Gray says, managing a soft laugh. Natsu’s fingers run behind his ear and move to the back of his neck, brushing through his hair. Gray makes a quiet sound at the sensation and Natsu immediately pulls his hand away, but Gray shakes his head. “No, it’s okay,” he says, grabbing Natsu’s wrist and moving it back to where it was.

“Are you sure?” Natsu asks. He tips his head back and studies Gray’s face as he runs his fingers carefully through Gray’s hair. It’s a sweet, soft touch, and Gray exhales, closing his eyes as he lets himself enjoy it. Natsu is gentle – he always has been, despite his rambunctious personality – and Gray has never been afraid of him. 

“Yeah,” he says. He opens his eyes and takes in Natsu’s shy smile, then leans in and kisses him.

Natsu makes a quiet, contented sound as he kisses back – carefully, not pushing or taking too much. A warm thrill races through Gray, settling somewhere deep in his stomach, and he touches Natsu’s face with a trembling hand as they move closer together.

The contentedness is tempered by something dark, though, and eventually Gray pulls back, squeezing his eyes shut. A quiet echo reverberates through his skin. It’s sharp and aching, and it feels like broken glass and tastes like blood. It’s too much.

“You okay?” Natsu asks, and Gray exhales slowly, shaking his head. He shifts closer and presses his forehead to Natsu’s chest again, curling into the warm, gentle embrace.

“No,” he says quietly, the sounds muffled by Natsu’s shirt.

“We don’t have to—”

“I want to.” He sighs in frustration, wincing as his attention is drawn to the pain in his hip. “I just… I can’t yet. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Natsu kisses the top of his head and hugs him carefully, running a hand up and down Gray’s back. “Even if you never can, I love you no matter what, okay?”

Gray nods, bringing his hand up and resting it on Natsu’s chest. Natsu’s heartbeat is strong and steady, a calm counterpoint to the flutter of Gray’s own pulse. It feels like he’s two people sharing the same body – one bruised and terrified, one safe and in love – and he’s not sure how to reconcile the fact that he’s both. He wants to keep kissing Natsu so badly, but how can he kiss when he remembers the feeling of his mouth being—

“You want some breakfast?” Natsu asks, gently pulling him out of his thoughts. “We can sit out on the back deck if you want.”

“Yeah,” Gray says, grateful for the distraction. His mind is a complicated mess, and it’s going to take a long time to put it all back together, but now he doesn’t have to do it alone.

* * *

Summer mornings turn into cool fall afternoons, which eventually give way to cold winter evenings spent curled up under the blanket by the fireplace. Zelda grows quickly, and by the time Christmas hits, she takes up nearly half the bed. Gray pretends to complain, but it really just gives him an excuse to curl up next to Natsu’s warmth. Not that he needs an excuse – Natsu has always been affectionate, and Gray notices it even more, now. Sometimes it’s hugs and early-morning cuddles, but other times it’s small gestures, like a kiss on the top of the head at the breakfast table or holding hands on their walks to the park.

Some days it’s too much. Gray hates those days – hates waking up from a nightmare and shoving Natsu away, hates locking himself in the bathroom to cry until he nearly throws up, hates asking Natsu to leave because everything is too loud, and he needs to be alone. Zelda stays with him on those days, even after Natsu goes home, and Gray hugs her tightly and cries into her fur while she licks his cheeks.

But more and more often there are good days – days where Gray feels alive and hopeful. He smiles more, and touches Natsu more often, and the scared part of him slowly starts to melt into a quiet acceptance of what happened.

“You’re more than what happened to you,” Natsu says, and Gray starts to believe it.

Sting and Rogue visit for Christmas and they all sit and talk and laugh, and Gray doesn’t feel fake or hopeless. He lets Natsu kiss his cheek, and when Sting and Rogue say goodbye at the end of the night, he hugs both of them, and doesn’t flinch.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” Sting says quietly, pulling back and squeezing Gray’s arms. “You deserve it.”

* * *

Nearly a year after Natsu comes home, Gray feels ready.

“Mornin’.” Natsu yawns, rolling over to face Gray. It’s early morning, and a soft pink light spills through the open window and lights up the smile on Natsu’s face.

“Hey,” Gray says softly, reaching out and running his fingers through Natsu’s hair. It’s a tangled mess, but Gray loves Natsu like this – soft and sleepy and all his. “C’mere.”

Natsu hums happily as Gray pulls him closer, and when Gray kisses him, he immediately kisses back, running his hand down Gray’s arm and waiting for a nod before touching his waist. His hand is warm through Gray’s shirt, and Gray wants more of it.

Natsu makes a quiet sound of surprise when Gray moves his fingers down to the hem of Natsu’s shirt and tugs on it. “You sure?” he asks, pulling back and searching Gray’s face. Gray nods, sitting up and taking a breath before pulling his own shirt over his head and tossing it to the floor.

“I’m okay,” he reassures Natsu, reaching out and running his fingers down Natsu’s chest. Natsu shivers, pulling Gray back in for a kiss. 

“Okay,” he says. “You can change your mind if you want.”

Gray nods. They haven’t done much more than kiss before, and Natsu has always stopped when Gray needed him to. Right now, though, Gray doesn’t want to stop.

“I love you,” he says as he moves his lips down to Natsu’s throat, kissing over the rapid flutter of Natsu’s pulse. “I love you,” he says again when he kisses Natsu’s neck, and again when he runs his fingers down Natsu’s side, and again when he touches Natsu’s hip.

“Gray,” Natsu breathes, tipping his head back and sighing happily. He trails his fingers across Gray’s back, then up into Gray’s hair, tugging him gently back up for a kiss. He draws patterns across Gray’s skin, pulling him closer, and eventually Gray ends up on top of him, straddling his hips and leaning down to kiss him over and over. Gray can feel that Natsu’s hard, and he’s a little surprised to find that he is, too.

He rocks his hips forward carefully, testing the waters, and when Natsu bites back a gasp so does Gray. “It’s… it feels good,” Gray whispers, doing it again and enjoying the quiet, happy sounds that Natsu makes. “You feel good.”

“You’re perfect,” Natsu manages, bringing both hands to Gray’s hips. He pulls gently, guiding Gray’s movements, and Gray keeps going, leaning down to kiss Natsu as they rock against each other. A heat starts to grow, tugging at Gray’s stomach, and he moans softly against Natsu’s lips. Everywhere they touch lights up something inside Gray, and it only takes a few more thrusts for him to come with a quiet groan. Natsu follows shortly after, fingers tightening on Gray’s hips as he whispers Gray’s name over and over.

The heat in Gray’s stomach floods his entire body and he collapses forward onto Natsu, pressing his face into the crook of Natsu’s neck and sighing happily. Natsu kisses his temple, wrapping both arms around Gray and holding him close.

“You okay?” he asks, and Gray laughs against his skin.

“Yeah,” he says, closing his eyes and letting himself feel safe in the circle of Natsu’s arms. “Yeah, I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> promised it would have a happy ending <3


End file.
